Saturday, June 2, 2012

The Fantasy

Post under the cut for negativity. Negative self-talk, possibly disturbing imagery. Just things that won't leave my head and have to get out. Just because I write about fat acceptance doesn't mean I believe it all the time 

 If a stuffed animal has too much stuffing, you can just make a little hole, gently tug some out, and put it back together good as new. Basically ever since I learned there was such a thing as fat surgery (liposuction and such) I've had little fantasies of doing exactly that. I've never researched real procedures, or ever thought seriously about getting them, just imagined how much nicer it would be.

It's really very few parts of my body that I'd unstuff. I don't necessarily mind being wide. I don't mind my hips, although I wish my spatial awareness would catch on to how big they are and stop letting them knock things over so often. I don't really mind most of my thighs, they're big and all but nobody I know particularly cares.

But if I could take a little knife and pull the stuffing out, I'd get rid of my inner thighs. I could deal with the whole leg being big, if I could just stand with my toes together and not have my thighs touch. If I could just wear the pretty skirts I love without needing abnormally thick tights to avoid chafing. I just want to wear skirts without them hurting me.

I'd take out the extra mass under my upper arms, just the part that means I can't fit into jackets and long-sleeved shirts that otherwise fit me. Just so I wouldn't have to hike my awesome red blazer up into my armpit in order to not constrict my arm.

I might tuck in my belly a little. I actually don't mind having it there most of the time. But it'd be nice to be able to see more of myself. It'd be nice to be able to bend and stretch and do yoga without having to work around the bulge that gets in the way and doesn't let me do the few things it interferes with.

I don't necessarily want to be thin. I'd stay just as wide as I am right now if I could be a little less deep (I have no intention of being taller).

I don't really hate myself for being fat. When I do hate, it's just the parts that cause me actual trouble.

But I guess I'd look too weird with big wide hips and no inner thigh.

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