Hopeless

I learned a lot of things from the Fat Acceptance blogs I read when anyone was still posting.

I learned that it was more than possible to be fat and healthy at the same time.

I learned that so many people out in the internet wanted to support each other and see each other through.

I learned that BMI is relatively meaningless, that I could ask for a bigger blood pressure cuff and my score was normal, that I could tell a doctor I wasn't interested in discussing my weight and they would respect that.

But I learned a lot of other things.

I learned that should I choose to lose weight, it would never work. That 95% of people who lose weight re-gain it in five years or less.

I learned that if I went to a doctor to do something about my weight, I could expect them to see my number and nothing else. That if I'm scared there's something legitimately wrong, I can't even think about bringing it up until I've tried to diet and exercise first.

I learned that there's basically no hope in the world that I could change my body now that I'm starting to want to.

I have horrible stretch marks all over my belly and my arms.

I think I've gained at least 50 pounds in the last 5 years.

None of my pants fit. My shirts are getting too short. Everything is tight and awful.

I can't like this

I can't like myself like this. I can't be okay with how clumsy and chafing and uncomfortable and ugly I am.

And I spent so much time learning that there was nothing I could do to make it better.