I'm not sure what there really is to say about this, but something has to be said. A facebook friend of mine recently posted a text message she'd gotten, by all accounts from a friend-of-a-friend she doesn't personally know. Photo under the cut, of a message spewing nothing but hatred, vitrol, and frankly lazy insults against fat people and women both.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Life-Long Battle
I remember the doctor who first told me
to lose weight. I was eleven at the time, and growing, and I remember
very little else. I don't know exactly how tall I was and what I
weighed, I barely remember how I ate and whether I thought about it.
But I remember what the doctor told me.
She told me I was going to have to start dieting. She told me I would
have to work actively just to maintain my current weight, that I
didn't have to LOSE as long as I didn't GAIN any more. She told me I
was going to have to work hard about my weight for the rest of my
life.
She told me I was going to face a
“life-long battle” with my weight.
At age 11.
I remember being horrified. I remember
protesting. I didn't want to spend my whole life fighting. I remember
even that first time wondering what the point was, if I would never
be able to win.
I tried dieting, I really earnestly
did. I was proud of myself for making up chicken salad sandwiches in
little pita breads, with celery pieces and everything. I look back
and I realize I was discovering cooking, not dieting; learning how
much better food is when you make it yourself and how much fun it is
to explore and experiment. But my recipes came out of a diet book for
preteens. I tried exercising. I promised myself 50 crunches every
day! And then my belly would be smaller! When I forgot the crunches,
and forgot the special meals, I soon gave up.
That's how my life has been really ever
since. I try to commit every so often to a regiment. I'll eat x
veggies every day. I'll go bike riding. I'll play wii sports. I'll do
whatever it is on a regular basis. And then I never do. I panic
myself, thinking that I can't keep it up, or I just forget and beat
myself up so hard that it seems easier to quit.
It's a pattern I haven't been able to
break 11 years later.
I bet she thought she was just giving
me realistic expectations. Don't try to lose 50 pounds in a month,
don't expect to be able to maintain by doing nothing. But she told me
it would be a life-long battle against my body to tame it into the
proper size.
I think so far, it's been a battle to
accept myself in case I can't be changed. It's been a battle to find
value in healthy food and regular exercise if it doesn't mean I'll
get smaller. To find clothes that fit me instead of shamefully buying
one size down and never wearing the clothes I should fit into. To
actually get healthy and break out of my many ruts, instead of
defeating myself at every turn with the idea that I can never rest,
can never break, can never stop fighting or I'll lose. To see my body as my ally, not my enemy.
It really is a life-long battle.
The Fantasy
Post under the cut for negativity. Negative self-talk, possibly disturbing imagery. Just things that won't leave my head and have to get out. Just because I write about fat acceptance doesn't mean I believe it all the time
Sunday, May 27, 2012
This Past Week
So I've been having the one of the most annoying maladies I've ever seen. I don't know if I was even actually sick, and it's tapering off, but for a good week and a half, I've been having the same issue - I can't get full.
As of now, it's more likely that I'm actually not eating enough, and my hunger cues might be returning to normal.
But take Sunday for an example. This seemed to be the worst of the deal, and it was already a few days into the weirdness. I had woken up early to meet my parents for brunch, since my mom was running a race nearby. I don't usually eat in the mornings, and I was feeling my normal level of instability and undecided stomach. Until I found a banana at the race, and started to eat.
You know that feeling when you take your first bite, and your body wakes up and says "Yeah, we were really hungry, we were just being polite and not whining about it"? It was like that, but to such an extreme that I actually doubled over a little with the pain of the hunger pang. Each bite I swallowed, I got another pang like that. I still didn't feel hungry per se, but I had to be if I was feeling like that right?
And then the same sensation happened when I drank some lemon water back at their hotel, while we prepared for brunch. The same painful hunger pangs when I swallowed, feeling like it wanted ALL THE FOOD and NO MORE FOOD both at once.
I settled myself down as best I could, and eventually we got to brunch. I ordered a nice sandwich, dug in when it arrived. And maybe halfway through the meal, I was still panging. My body still reacted like this was the first food I had all day, and yet at the same time I was getting full, and feeling stuffed. A few hours after brunch, I was so weakly hungry that I choked down a granola bar, with similar results.
Even if it's getting better, I think I'm kinda paranoid now. I'd been doing so much better about trusting my cues, about assuming I do in fact need to eat if I'm hungry and not stressing overly-much about it. But for a good week I've been unable to trust, and been trying to objectively go over my food to figure out how much more I reasonably need, and how much of the "hunger" is just something wrong with my stomach. It's driving me batty, and it's really not stopping.
Maybe it's a good thing that I try to be aware of what I've actually taken in during the day, maybe it's something that's gone by the wayside as I tried out intuitive eating. But it's so very annoying to be stuck knowing, for a fact, I've eaten plenty, recently, and to have my body still whine for more. If I were actually sick maybe I wouldn't be worried, but the weird appetite has been my only symptom. So I don't know.
It just feels like such a step backward from the place I hoped I'd gotten myself to.
As of now, it's more likely that I'm actually not eating enough, and my hunger cues might be returning to normal.
But take Sunday for an example. This seemed to be the worst of the deal, and it was already a few days into the weirdness. I had woken up early to meet my parents for brunch, since my mom was running a race nearby. I don't usually eat in the mornings, and I was feeling my normal level of instability and undecided stomach. Until I found a banana at the race, and started to eat.
You know that feeling when you take your first bite, and your body wakes up and says "Yeah, we were really hungry, we were just being polite and not whining about it"? It was like that, but to such an extreme that I actually doubled over a little with the pain of the hunger pang. Each bite I swallowed, I got another pang like that. I still didn't feel hungry per se, but I had to be if I was feeling like that right?
And then the same sensation happened when I drank some lemon water back at their hotel, while we prepared for brunch. The same painful hunger pangs when I swallowed, feeling like it wanted ALL THE FOOD and NO MORE FOOD both at once.
I settled myself down as best I could, and eventually we got to brunch. I ordered a nice sandwich, dug in when it arrived. And maybe halfway through the meal, I was still panging. My body still reacted like this was the first food I had all day, and yet at the same time I was getting full, and feeling stuffed. A few hours after brunch, I was so weakly hungry that I choked down a granola bar, with similar results.
Even if it's getting better, I think I'm kinda paranoid now. I'd been doing so much better about trusting my cues, about assuming I do in fact need to eat if I'm hungry and not stressing overly-much about it. But for a good week I've been unable to trust, and been trying to objectively go over my food to figure out how much more I reasonably need, and how much of the "hunger" is just something wrong with my stomach. It's driving me batty, and it's really not stopping.
Maybe it's a good thing that I try to be aware of what I've actually taken in during the day, maybe it's something that's gone by the wayside as I tried out intuitive eating. But it's so very annoying to be stuck knowing, for a fact, I've eaten plenty, recently, and to have my body still whine for more. If I were actually sick maybe I wouldn't be worried, but the weird appetite has been my only symptom. So I don't know.
It just feels like such a step backward from the place I hoped I'd gotten myself to.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Food Diaries
I've been trying for a good few months now, if not longer, to acclimate my head to the idea of keeping a food diary. Write down everything I eat for a week or so, to get a sense of what kind of nutrition I'm getting, what I might be missing, and whether I'm actually eating ENOUGH food.
But although I really am trying to think differently, I can't shake the association of the food diary with the diet.
I can't remember now whether this was something I was actually taught, or something I learned inadvertently. But I was introduced to the idea when the doctor sent me to a nutritionist, for what were never diagnosed as binge-eating behaviors. The nutritionist never mentioned Binge Eating Disorder, if she'd ever heard of it, and focused on putting me on a diet. I remember being asked to keep the food diary so we knew what we were looking at, and where to make changes.
But I remember learning that the diary was a tool to keep me on the 'right' track. It was going to be shared with the doctor and my parents, so I knew I'd be in trouble in some way or another if I admitted to either the binges or the snacks I bought at school with my own money. Most of the time, I let the act of keeping the diary affect my choices, and didn't eat those things I would be ashamed to show. Sometimes, I just lied in the diary.
I know that if I keep a diary now, it'd be for my eyes only. But when I sat down yesterday to make an effort, just the act of writing it down still made me second-guess everything I was eating in that mean little voice.
"You had a bag of potato chips? I guess fries wouldn't have been better but still." "Really, storebought crackers? Don't you have anything else to snack on? It's only been two hours since lunch, I know you started writing me because you're having GI problems that affect your appetite, but still."
aaargh. I made it through exactly two entries before I (well, forgot about the existence of the new diary and) stopped.
This should be a useful tool for me to track my eating, and to see how well I'm progressing on getting what I need. This should be a great way to be mindful and healthy and find any potential issues that are making me unhealthier. Instead I just know that "I'd have to write it in my food diary" would become a reason not to have dessert.
Has anyone had luck re-framing anything like this?
But although I really am trying to think differently, I can't shake the association of the food diary with the diet.
I can't remember now whether this was something I was actually taught, or something I learned inadvertently. But I was introduced to the idea when the doctor sent me to a nutritionist, for what were never diagnosed as binge-eating behaviors. The nutritionist never mentioned Binge Eating Disorder, if she'd ever heard of it, and focused on putting me on a diet. I remember being asked to keep the food diary so we knew what we were looking at, and where to make changes.
But I remember learning that the diary was a tool to keep me on the 'right' track. It was going to be shared with the doctor and my parents, so I knew I'd be in trouble in some way or another if I admitted to either the binges or the snacks I bought at school with my own money. Most of the time, I let the act of keeping the diary affect my choices, and didn't eat those things I would be ashamed to show. Sometimes, I just lied in the diary.
I know that if I keep a diary now, it'd be for my eyes only. But when I sat down yesterday to make an effort, just the act of writing it down still made me second-guess everything I was eating in that mean little voice.
"You had a bag of potato chips? I guess fries wouldn't have been better but still." "Really, storebought crackers? Don't you have anything else to snack on? It's only been two hours since lunch, I know you started writing me because you're having GI problems that affect your appetite, but still."
aaargh. I made it through exactly two entries before I (well, forgot about the existence of the new diary and) stopped.
This should be a useful tool for me to track my eating, and to see how well I'm progressing on getting what I need. This should be a great way to be mindful and healthy and find any potential issues that are making me unhealthier. Instead I just know that "I'd have to write it in my food diary" would become a reason not to have dessert.
Has anyone had luck re-framing anything like this?
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Emotional Eating
(Hi new Blogger. You're lucky I like Googledocs or I might be more annoyed.
Re-post of a comment I made over at Katja's latest post The Feeding Doctor. There were a lot of things wrong with the website she critiques, and a lot of people rightly tore it apart, but i went on a tangent so I figure I'll throw it here. A couple of quoted comments from the site were clear on their stance against Emotional Eating - "TIP: If you’re not hungry, PUT DOWN THE FOOD.”
You know what I used to do when I was a kid on a diet and food outside of mealtimes/one allotted sweet snack was prohibited? I binged. I waited till I was alone in the house and ate everything I wanted, long past the point that I actually wanted to eat it.
You know what stopped my binging? Giving myself permission to have a few chocolates or cookies whenever I had a craving for them.
You know what helps me eat more protein, vegetables, and complex carbs, and less dessert-y food? I never eat dessert when I’m hungry. I’ve found that if I do, I eat too fast, don’t enjoy it and end up eating more, because I’m trying to fill up and it’s harder to do on pure sugar. If dessert is purely an “emotional” experience, I have less of it and take so much more joy.
You know what else I struggle with? Depression and self-injury(TW ahead). I’d love one of these people to look me in the eye and tell me that eating a bowl of ice cream when I’m upset is more unhealthy than biting and scratching my own skin. And the thing that really pisses me off is that I know plenty of them actually would.
Food is more than nutrition. Communal, celebratory, self-soothing, self-medicating and yes, Emotional eating is part of the good things in life. So yes, it can be an issue if you find yourself constantly eating without paying attention. But a blanket stance against ever eating for any reason other than hunger isn't the answer.
Re-post of a comment I made over at Katja's latest post The Feeding Doctor. There were a lot of things wrong with the website she critiques, and a lot of people rightly tore it apart, but i went on a tangent so I figure I'll throw it here. A couple of quoted comments from the site were clear on their stance against Emotional Eating - "TIP: If you’re not hungry, PUT DOWN THE FOOD.”
You know what I used to do when I was a kid on a diet and food outside of mealtimes/one allotted sweet snack was prohibited? I binged. I waited till I was alone in the house and ate everything I wanted, long past the point that I actually wanted to eat it.
You know what stopped my binging? Giving myself permission to have a few chocolates or cookies whenever I had a craving for them.
You know what helps me eat more protein, vegetables, and complex carbs, and less dessert-y food? I never eat dessert when I’m hungry. I’ve found that if I do, I eat too fast, don’t enjoy it and end up eating more, because I’m trying to fill up and it’s harder to do on pure sugar. If dessert is purely an “emotional” experience, I have less of it and take so much more joy.
You know what else I struggle with? Depression and self-injury(TW ahead). I’d love one of these people to look me in the eye and tell me that eating a bowl of ice cream when I’m upset is more unhealthy than biting and scratching my own skin. And the thing that really pisses me off is that I know plenty of them actually would.
Food is more than nutrition. Communal, celebratory, self-soothing, self-medicating and yes, Emotional eating is part of the good things in life. So yes, it can be an issue if you find yourself constantly eating without paying attention. But a blanket stance against ever eating for any reason other than hunger isn't the answer.
Friday, April 6, 2012
Ramble
I had a dream the other night where I stood up in a health class of some sort and tried to explain the problem with fat-shaming and such. Dream-me said, "Some think that fat people are just thin people who eat too much, instead of being fat people who eat fine." I can't tell whether it makes sense, or is right, but I'm surprised sometimes by what dream-me has the courage to say.
I feel like there's something to be said about some of what I'm hearing working at the chocolate store, but I'm not sure what there is. I already posted about "It must be dangerous to work here!"
With people making easter baskets, I'm getting a lot of policing language lately. "I don't want her to have THAT many." "I have to watch how much he gets." "I'd love a sample but I'm being good." It's not that I think anyone shouldn't have the right to all that -obviously it's up to parents to make decisions for their kids. But to get it over and over again.
I'm also getting a lot of "they say dark chocolate is good for you" lately, a weird upswing out of nowhere. People always say it like they're desperate to justify themselves. I had one or two "I'm trying to eat more dark chocolate because it's better" from people who prefer milk chocolate. I've also gotten the health benefits from the people who just like dark better, and think that makes them better than plebeian milk-chocolate eaters. (And you have no idea how many people I get who literally recoil from their free sample when I tell them it's milk chocolate.)
I have to ask about the loyalty program my store does to every customer. In response to the question, I had one guy burst out laughing. "You'd have to have a real problem to be a loyalty member at a chocolate store!"
There's also this widespread feeling of impossibility at the thought of a bag of chocolates lasting a little while. I suggest to people that they can just get a bag and make it last and they laugh, it'd never make it, they'd eat the whole bag, it's a funny suggestion. It feels like it's so normal in the world to deny, to treat treats as this volatile substance, to binge at any opportunity to have a lot. It's funny to people when I tell them they could just have a couple at a time.
I just wish I could say something to the people who come in trying to justify themselves, who assure me they don't shop here that often, who make sure they only get a few, who wouldn't dream of buying a whole bag, to make them feel better.
I feel like there's something to be said about some of what I'm hearing working at the chocolate store, but I'm not sure what there is. I already posted about "It must be dangerous to work here!"
With people making easter baskets, I'm getting a lot of policing language lately. "I don't want her to have THAT many." "I have to watch how much he gets." "I'd love a sample but I'm being good." It's not that I think anyone shouldn't have the right to all that -obviously it's up to parents to make decisions for their kids. But to get it over and over again.
I'm also getting a lot of "they say dark chocolate is good for you" lately, a weird upswing out of nowhere. People always say it like they're desperate to justify themselves. I had one or two "I'm trying to eat more dark chocolate because it's better" from people who prefer milk chocolate. I've also gotten the health benefits from the people who just like dark better, and think that makes them better than plebeian milk-chocolate eaters. (And you have no idea how many people I get who literally recoil from their free sample when I tell them it's milk chocolate.)
I have to ask about the loyalty program my store does to every customer. In response to the question, I had one guy burst out laughing. "You'd have to have a real problem to be a loyalty member at a chocolate store!"
There's also this widespread feeling of impossibility at the thought of a bag of chocolates lasting a little while. I suggest to people that they can just get a bag and make it last and they laugh, it'd never make it, they'd eat the whole bag, it's a funny suggestion. It feels like it's so normal in the world to deny, to treat treats as this volatile substance, to binge at any opportunity to have a lot. It's funny to people when I tell them they could just have a couple at a time.
I just wish I could say something to the people who come in trying to justify themselves, who assure me they don't shop here that often, who make sure they only get a few, who wouldn't dream of buying a whole bag, to make them feel better.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
What Worked
At dinner with the family last night, when the talk turned, as it inevitably does, to how bad mom is being for ordering her one order of onion rings all year, and how dad wants to stop eating french fries, and you remember Super-Size Me? Fries are so bad, oh man, it's the fries that kill you...
"I'm not really interested in discussing food we're not eating, while we're eating."
Everyone sort of laughed, and magically, the subject changed. Not too confrontational, not a big fight, something that did what it was supposed to! Hurrah!
"I'm not really interested in discussing food we're not eating, while we're eating."
Everyone sort of laughed, and magically, the subject changed. Not too confrontational, not a big fight, something that did what it was supposed to! Hurrah!
Saturday, December 17, 2011
It Must be Dangerous to Work Here
So I found seasonal work for December - yay! It's in a chocolate store - double yay! All sorts of tasty things for me to taste on an employee discount, in the same amount of moderation that I always use. Which is to say, not chiding myself for wanting to take a piece, but also not eating entire bags of candy in one sitting.
So why does EVERYONE come into my store and tell me "oh, I couldn't work here. I'd weigh 800 pounds! I'd never stop! It must be hard to work here. It must be dangerous."
I'm on the clock, so of course, I nod and smile and try not to let it bother me. But it kind of does. Are they trying to say something about me? Is it a compliment, that I'm "stronger" than they think they are because I do work here without trouble? Is it an unconscious dig at the fat girl working at the chocolate shop? Why do so many people feel the need to say it? Why do they all use the same phrases?
For some reason, that bothers me more than the people who just turn down the free samples with "I can't, I shouldn't, I'm being good," or the ones who accept them with "I'm being bad," or "I just worked out." Maybe I expected to hear those, and it's understandable why someone comments when I've offered them something and started a conversation. I just don't get why so many people feel the need to tell me how difficult it would be for them to be surrounded by chocolate and not eat all of it.
I've been in that place. It was an unhealthy place. If I worked here during high school, I'd bet pretty good money I would end up stealing. I would have taken out of the samples box and snuck them away for myself instead of the customers. I would have bought up huge amounts of candy and eaten them all in the car so they could just be mine with no one else knowing I had them.
I'm not doing that now. I have constant access to tons of chocolate and.....shock and surprise, I don't want it. Well, I wouldn't turn it down if it were mine. But it's not mine, the bag I bought to take home and have a couple on the nights that I'm home is mine. And if I weren't working here, I'd be doing what I did over the summer, and buying chocolate in the drugstore, and having a couple on the nights I'm home and I want them. The only thing that's changed is it's cheaper. And better quality.
It's just chocolate. It's not dangerous.
So why does EVERYONE come into my store and tell me "oh, I couldn't work here. I'd weigh 800 pounds! I'd never stop! It must be hard to work here. It must be dangerous."
I'm on the clock, so of course, I nod and smile and try not to let it bother me. But it kind of does. Are they trying to say something about me? Is it a compliment, that I'm "stronger" than they think they are because I do work here without trouble? Is it an unconscious dig at the fat girl working at the chocolate shop? Why do so many people feel the need to say it? Why do they all use the same phrases?
For some reason, that bothers me more than the people who just turn down the free samples with "I can't, I shouldn't, I'm being good," or the ones who accept them with "I'm being bad," or "I just worked out." Maybe I expected to hear those, and it's understandable why someone comments when I've offered them something and started a conversation. I just don't get why so many people feel the need to tell me how difficult it would be for them to be surrounded by chocolate and not eat all of it.
I've been in that place. It was an unhealthy place. If I worked here during high school, I'd bet pretty good money I would end up stealing. I would have taken out of the samples box and snuck them away for myself instead of the customers. I would have bought up huge amounts of candy and eaten them all in the car so they could just be mine with no one else knowing I had them.
I'm not doing that now. I have constant access to tons of chocolate and.....shock and surprise, I don't want it. Well, I wouldn't turn it down if it were mine. But it's not mine, the bag I bought to take home and have a couple on the nights that I'm home is mine. And if I weren't working here, I'd be doing what I did over the summer, and buying chocolate in the drugstore, and having a couple on the nights I'm home and I want them. The only thing that's changed is it's cheaper. And better quality.
It's just chocolate. It's not dangerous.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Hark, a post? Indeed
Sorry, first of all, for unexplained major haitus - I still have a few things I want to write about, but finishing school + move to new state + 3-month job hunt + Temporary job + other writing projects = Forgot about blog. I've still been reading the people I've subscribed to, and I'm sure there'll be more to say in the future.
For now, I quickly present an ad that I didn't even catch the implications of at first - my friend did, and told me that he can't say anymore that he doesn't get offended by things, because people try really really hard these days.
http://www.youtube.com/embed/9Af6dipkAfc (Blogger, please to embed youtube videos one of these days, love Sam)
In Ad-Speak: Don't jiggle it when you wiggle it!
Possible intended implication: Go ahead and move around, exercise, party, YAY!
Possible unintended implication: Just....don't go being fat at everyone while you're doing that, kay? Here's a girdle (Sorry...Compression Line)
I'm heartened to see the featured comment though:
"So, what's so bad about a woman's butt jiggling? Your commercials are very weird.
Why would a fit woman like the person in that commercial care about her but jiggling when she's doing some weird squat and frontal shoulder workout (with very bad form btw), why would she buy pants that specifically hinders butt jiggalige?"
In fact, a lot of comments are negative about the commercial, including "I jiggle it :(" and "I hate this commercial". (Granted, a lot of comments are also about how hot the models are, so take youtube with a grain of salt at all times.) Youtube comments aren't the right place to complain, so if you want to speak up to the company directly, try here!
http://oldnavy.gap.com/customerService/info.do?cid=3332
For now, I quickly present an ad that I didn't even catch the implications of at first - my friend did, and told me that he can't say anymore that he doesn't get offended by things, because people try really really hard these days.
http://www.youtube.com/embed/9Af6dipkAfc (Blogger, please to embed youtube videos one of these days, love Sam)
In Ad-Speak: Don't jiggle it when you wiggle it!
Possible intended implication: Go ahead and move around, exercise, party, YAY!
Possible unintended implication: Just....don't go being fat at everyone while you're doing that, kay? Here's a girdle (Sorry...Compression Line)
I'm heartened to see the featured comment though:
"So, what's so bad about a woman's butt jiggling? Your commercials are very weird.
Why would a fit woman like the person in that commercial care about her but jiggling when she's doing some weird squat and frontal shoulder workout (with very bad form btw), why would she buy pants that specifically hinders butt jiggalige?"
In fact, a lot of comments are negative about the commercial, including "I jiggle it :(" and "I hate this commercial". (Granted, a lot of comments are also about how hot the models are, so take youtube with a grain of salt at all times.) Youtube comments aren't the right place to complain, so if you want to speak up to the company directly, try here!
http://oldnavy.gap.com/customerService/info.do?cid=3332
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)